I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
