I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
