What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
