i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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