soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize