Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
