Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Your cock deserves a montage
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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