you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize