I accidentally burped into my bong.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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