I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
