I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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