hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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