Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
3 2 1 whiskey
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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