Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
