the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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