I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize