my sisters under your porch take her home
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I miss vodka workout Fridays
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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