i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
babies were throwing up all over the place
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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