Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
