so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
