I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
