I wish I could teleport
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
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