True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
