The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
