Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Farmville is her only friend.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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