Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
