my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
