hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
