I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
