lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
