she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i just google imaged poop.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
