hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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