I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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