im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
