she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
