plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize