yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
