apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
