I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
