Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
