I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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