did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
