Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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