I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize