youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
