I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
