A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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