Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
