dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize