My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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