Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
