I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
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