he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
