the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
