The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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