Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I am midnight drunk by noon
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
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