When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
