I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
