Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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