Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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