if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
