I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
