she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
