There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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