Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
