I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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