i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
