cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
