2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
