I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
