her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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