drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
