So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
